My Reason For Living
by Lale-Angelica
Summary: Jim got his life together and went to the academy and though he's not such a bad boy anymore, the thing that changed his life also ripped him apart. Now about to embark upon an adventure he meets a woman unlike any other in more ways than one...the cook
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Don't own treasure planet. Only the plot and the characters that were never present in the movie are mine. I did make up the names for the species of aliens on my own though!

**Chapter 1: Your eyes**

"Mira look at that guy! He's gorgeous," whispered a feminine voice with an excited squeal as one thin green hand with three long skinny fingers and one thumb tugged on a crisp white shirtsleeve, "come on! look!"

"Whatever," came the distracted feminine reply as she brushed her Roginen friend's hand from her arm and creaked further onto the wooden deck—the sound inaudible in the androgynous chatter surrounding them. All was forgotten as indigo eyes sparkled with awe and drank in the surroundings. The crew was omnipresent—some assembling the flag, others scrutinizing the mechanical workings of the aircraft to make sure they were in top functioning order for the voyage. Some men were freighting barrels of supplies and others were up above inspecting the solar sails. Miranda Sicloen lifted her head as best as she could with her behemothic haversack on her back.

Her friend, Sidney Armstrong, had insisted that they carry the objects—each holding clothes that Miranda knew they would never have the opportunity to wear. Thus the pack was unnecessary, but it was part of the agreement in exchange for the Roginen's company. And, though she would never admit it out loud, Miranda desperately needed Sidney Armstrong's company.

Dark hair fell from her copper face as she watched members of the crew flip in the air and walk across the extensions for the sails. Their movements were so acrobatic and smooth she hoped she'd be able to maneuver the way they did some day. For now she was just their humble "cook". The thought of inexperience did little to quench her excitement. _I can't believe I'm here! I'm going on an ADVENTURE! A galaxy known as the ocean of no return! The danger! The near brushes with death! And I **might** live to tell the tale!_

"Now his beautifulness is gone and you missed him," she heard her friend comment disappointedly and turned back to see a small pout on the green alien's wide frog-like face.

"Honestly Sid, you're a sucker for every guy with a toned body and a pretty face." The pout turned to an evil grin as Sidney brushed a strand of her long brown hair from her yellow colored eyes.

"And a cute butt." This statement was greeted with a fierce glare and Sidney stared back with feigned innocence. "What?"

"You're sick you know that?"

"Nah, I'm just more normal than you'll ever be. Seriously, have you every liked a man?" Miranda crossed her arms and averted her gaze from the curious ones of her amphibian-like friend.

"All men are jerks. I would rather jump into a black hole than fall in love with any of them." She heard soft scolding clucks from her companion and looked back to see Sidney with her hands on her hips.

"I _know_ you will like this one so _I_ will make _sure_ you see him and fall _instantaneously_ in love." With that the shorter woman reached out her long limbed green arm and took hold of her human friend pulling her to see the handsome hu_man_.

"Wait!" protested Mira as the Roginen grabbed her hand and moved with such speed she was forced to sprint to catch up with her and save her poor arm from being dislocated. _How in Etherians name does she run so fast with this huge thing on her back? It weighs a ton!_ Sidney's movements didn't appear to be hindered one bit by the baggage, but Mira on the other hand was struggling. "Why..are…you…pulling me along for?" she rasped, winded. _I don't need to see this guy! I already know I won't be interested._ But as soon as the question was out Sidney stopped abruptly, causing the unfortunate human girl to slam into her back unmercifully and groan curses at the exploding colors she saw with the contact. She dropped her bag and gripped her throbbing forehead, which felt as if someone was repeatedly banging it with a sledgehammer._ Sidney has such a hard head. Now I know why nothing I ever say goes through._

"Behold!" announced Sidney in euphoria.

"Yeah, behold what I'm about to do to you!" she retorted angrily as she looked in the direction the Roginen pointed. Her anger immediately dissipated when she saw the side profile of the human man—her breath catching in her mouth and her chest contracting almost painfully at the strength that radiated from his tall attractive frame. He was talking to someone, only she didn't really see who for her surroundings became lighter, blurring at the edges as her vision focused in on his silhouette.

There was something about him that was making her blood pound viciously and noticeably faster in her veins. Something about him that consumed her in suffocating dizziness and made her ache to see him up close. It was more than his gorgeous looks, and as her eyes roved over his apparel she suddenly knew—he was just like her. He was a mourning lost soul as well. He wore a long _black_ trench coat with a high folded collar, _black_ pants stuffed neatly into heavy _black_ men's knee high boots decorated with buckles and he wore _black _gloves…but there was something else too. There was gold as well. It lined the shoulder lengths of his jacket, was embroidered around the edge of his collar, and was sewn in two strips around each cuff of his sleeves. It was obvious that one event or more had transpired to grieve this soul, but there was also hope, a little bit of gold, that kept him living. Barely, but still living. Just like her…

Suddenly he looked towards her and her heart nearly flew out her mouth when their eyes locked.

_He has blue eyes_, she instantly thought. They were a stormy grayish blue that she gauged were capable of expressing an avalanche of overwhelming pent up emotion. But they held a coldness and a recklessness that prevented the natural beauty from shining through. His smile disappeared and he turned away from her and back to his former conversation. She didn't understand why her heart dropped in hurt disappointment. _Not like I care that you don't care, jerk_, her mind retorted defensively, and she felt better and more confident. _You're just like all the rest…._

"I _knew_ you would like him Mira," Sidney's voice interrupted Miranda's thoughts again, and the human girl squinted down at the Roginen who, she noticed, now wore an impish grin.

"Sidney you should know me by now," she murmured dangerously, "he's not my type. I'm not interested." Sid looked back at her with a wide-eyed and confused, though secretly knowing, expression.

"You were just in this major trance _and_ walking towards him!" countered Sidney. A teasing smile came to her lips. "Oh I see, you're in denial!"

"Shutup," said Mira, and Sid dropped her haversack as she crossed her eyes and stuck out her hands like a zomibie.

"I want you really hot and sexy guy…come to me really hot and sexy guy…I want…oww." Sidney clutched her shoulder in pain where Mira had punched her.

"Shutup will you! I told you I'm not interested."

"Hey! That hurt!"

"Good!" said Mira harshly as she picked up her knapsack and hoisted it back on her back, "Maybe then you'll learn to stop playing around."

"Sour puss!" retorted Sidney as she too got up and imitated Miranda's actions.

"Whatever, we have to find the Captain anyway so we can be shown our rooms and can unpack our stuff."

"You were just drooling over him." Miranda's heart jumped at the statement as her eyes widened.

"Are you….serious?" she asked alarmed.

"Yep." _Oh no, that means I have to see him everyday._ Miranda found herself loathing the prospect. "That's Captain James Hawkins."

His name resonated in her mind and she was happy for once in her life that her skin color was much darker than most humans in the Etherian universe—for heat had flooded to her face. She did not understand why hearing his name abashed her so greatly. She scowled, trying to cover up the embarrassing feeling. Anger was always an excellent mask. "Yipee," she responded sarcastically. "Well at least you'll have a man to drool over through the entire voyage." Sidney giggled.

"Nah, I much rather prefer the guy he's talking to. I mean, check out that hunk a muscle." Again as Miranda glanced in his direction she felt her heart-rate increase, and the tightening in her chest, but this duration she also regarded the towering sailor he was conversing with who wore a black tank-top and grey baggy pants covered by brown heavy duty boots. He was a hulking grey skinned beast, who had three pairs of eyes in his head and a long snout with teeth that looked very much like fangs flashing white as he spoke. When he paused and closed his lips, impressions of the teeth could be seen through the ashy grey skin. His ebony hair was spiked and a silver earring, much like Captain Hawkins's, hung from his left ear. _Captain Hawkins…_reverberated through her mind again. _Idiot, he's a man! One of those no good lying perverted ungrateful evil and disgusting men!_

"Makes you want to bite him, doesn't it? Just to see if his skin is as steely as it seems," Sidney continued, "But you know, if I did that, I might risk breaking some teeth."

"Whatever," replied Mira turning away from Sidney and the two men; just a little disturbed by the visual imagery her friend had painted in her mind.

"Well come on, let's go meet them so I can flir…I mean we can get to our rooms." Miranda watched her friend walk boldly up to the two men in fascination. She was so brave! She was not afraid to meet them. _So what the phisc is wrong with me?_ she wondered. But then again, Sidney had never had to go through some of the things she did. _Lucky…_she thought enviously as she followed behind and pretended nonchalance.

---------------------------------------------------

"Excuse me, Captain Hawkins?" came a feminine voice and Jim turned his head to see a pretty Roginen girl smiling up at him. He rewarded her grin with a slight smile of his own that encouraged and assured Sidney that she had the right guy. "My name is Lorel Adenon, and my friend Maya Lucendown and I were hired to be the new cooks on your ship, just for this voyage." At the introduction of the second girl Jim found himself looking into the eyes of the same woman that he had deliberately turned away from before. She was dangerous, with those eyes of hers. They were a dark indigo like the color of Montressor's night sky and were as endless in depth as the ongoing universe.

She had dark, full brown lips and smooth, chocolate brown skin. The color accentuated her pretty eyes that he noticed were hooded by long, thick, naturally curled lashes. Her long, wavy, ebony hair was braided and thrown haphazardly over her shoulder, and curls escaped appealingly about her face. Quite the curvaceous woman, Jim gathered that she was not too keen on showing off her body as she wore a baggy buttoned down white shirt tucked in baggy brown pants stuffed in ugly traveling boots. Her attire did not downplay her intoxicating beauty that made it difficult for him to breathe, nor did it change his fascination in her darker pigmentation. _What planet are you from? _he wondered for he had never seen a _human_ with her color before. _Maybe she's a different species of human? _She averted her eyes to the floor and it hit him that he had yet to respond to the Roginen. "Welcome aboard my ship Lorel………Maya…." He said smiling slightly at the amphibian like alien, "thanks for saving us from empty stomachs and diarrhea. No offense but the last time Regal here cooked something for me, I barfed for a week."

"Hey," protested the giant of a man as Sidney giggled and _Maya_ looked back up to watch the exchange.

"Anyway, my very helpful first mate here will take your bags for you and show you to the galley and your rooms for the voyage."

"Hey!" said Regal again and a touch of a smile came to Maya's lips. _God she's so phiscin pretty._ He averted his eyes from hers and turned back to the whining Smede, releasing a breath he had not realized he had been holding. "That's your job **cap'n**!"

Jim smugly folded his arms and leaned against the railing of the ship, "I'm awaiting our 'very special guests' soooo I'm busy. Sorry." Regal glared but acquiesced and took the bags both girls were carrying in one hand. He was indeed a very strong Kinopticon, and his loyalty had brought them together in friendship.

"Oh Regal," said Sidney in an over exaggerated flirtatious voice, "you're so strong! I wonder what else you could do with those lovely muscles of yours. They are quite nice by the way." The giant Kinopticon looked uncomfortably at the Roginen—he was never good at the whole flirting thing.

"Thanks," he muttered quietly. Was that a blush on his cheeks? Jim found himself holding in laughter. "I'd prefer if…you called me Smede. Only certain people are allowed to call me Regal." Lorel giggled and nodded vigorously.

"Sure no problem Regal," she replied and Jim could not help but allow a chuckle to escape at the flustered look that came to the giant's face. "So you must have some awesome tales to tell if you feel the need to look this built, so spill." Smede gaped and looked at Jim for help. The evil Captain, enjoying the exchange shook his head in denial—Regal was on his own. So, not knowing what to do, he silently headed for the galley.

"You aren't just gonna leave me here are you!" she called after him, and Regal ignored her. Lorel Adenon's eyes began to shine, "He passes!" and she was after him in a flash leaving Jim alone with Maya Lucendown who watched the two drawing farther away. She had not spoken since she and her Roginen friend had approached Jim, and the young Captain longed to hear her voice. He imagined it sounded strong yet soothing; able to draw attention but also sweet enough so you could fall asleep just listening to her.

"You might want to follow your friend so you can…get settled." He said to her casually as he took the opportunity of talking to her to stare at her again. She looked back at him and his breath caught at her eyes—hypnotized. He unconsciously moved closer toward her till they were mere inches apart. If he leaned down right now their lips would touch and he could drown in her, as if he were sipping hot chocolate. And…something in her eyes snapped him out of his fantasy; bitter hatred and fear so venomous he took a step backward. The beauty that once lay in her eyes was replaced by a cold harden stare that made Jim shuddered inwardly. The message was clear, she was forbidden. _What the shaud were you thinkin anyway Hawkins? _He was suddenly deeply ashamed of himself.

"Thank you," she said but her voice was not what he had thought it would sound like. It sounded bitter, aggressive, cold, angry…full of disappointment. He had the eeriest feeling that he had failed some kind of test. She turned away from him and ran to catch up with his first mate and her friend, leaving Jim to wallow in his self-loathing.

_What in Etherians name is wrong with me? How can I just lust after her like that? I JUST MET THE WOMAN! _Jim was **not** known to go to galactic nightclubs and meet women where his association would inevitably lead to one-night stands. His abstinence was legendary among his crew, and knowing his reasons and his painful past, they greatly respected him for it. But what changed when Maya Lucendown stepped into his vision?_… her skin?.. Her eyes? _He'd honestly never seen anything like it…because if he did he would have remembered the beautifiul uniqueness of it._ She could drive a guy crazy like Catherine can…_

_I mean could…could….why do I still think of her as if she was still here…she left me...I still can't believe... she would leave me..._

Jim did not understand why the tears still surfaced at the old wound, why the lump that had kept him silent for months still rose, why the feeling of numbness still enshrouded him whenever he thought of honey brown sun kissed hair, and deep valley green eyes always sparkling with mischief and keeping him guessing. She was so perfect, his match in everyway—just as daring and as reckless, just as loving and caring, just as lonely until they found each other and the void was filled. They had each other and nothing could tear them apart…well that was what they thought. He removed his gloves one by one. _You need to forgive Hawkins…but you can't…………..I can't. _He fumbled in his pocket, and brought out the small 3-inch stick he carried with him placing it in his mouth. A bitter smile played on his lips as he thought, _Catherine used to hate it when I smoked... She was the reason I had quit..._ He switched on the button and took a long drag, feeling the contaminated air swishing into his lungs and calming his frayed frantic nerves. He held his breathe, wanting to imprison the feeling for as long as he could, but finally he couldn't hold it anymore, and he reluctantly released it. The morbid horrible feeling disappeared little by little as he blew out the contaminated air._Yes, it's working..._ he thought as he drew in more.

He breathed in again, feeling himself relax as he leaned against the railing and looked out at the crowd of shoppers and vendors bustling about the Montressor Space Station. _I need a drink, but this will have to do for now. _He blew out the next breath, watching the black haze escape his body. He knew he was killing himself, but frankly he didn't care. It was funny how this remedy only took away the pain for a short while. It would always come back, at the most unexpected moments.

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Trissa Befuni was quite ticked off with her geek of a boyfriend Israel Zenka and his other scientist companion Ludiwick Cosentop. _I still don't understand why the shaud we're going on this trip. We could have went to a nice sightseeing planet, but noooo we have to go to the Coral Galaxy where anyone stupid enough to have gone their NEVER COMES BACK!_ She crossed her arms, fuming inwardly but having a blank impassive mask plastered on her face. _If he wasn't rich I would soooo not be with him._

"Look their dearest," he said in that uber annoying arrogant proud banter of his. Seriously he needed to tone down his ego. Why was she going out with him again? Oh yeah, yeah, right…_cause he buys me whatever I want_. _Except for this trip. Had no say in it whatsoever! Oh why did I pretend to be interested in science? Why!_.

"What is it honey?" she asked sugary sweetly as she came up beside him and Ludiwick. He immediately put his arm around her shoulder since he was much taller than she was—tall and lanky. "That's the ship, the _Silver_." _Hunk a junk…_reflexively snapped into her mind. Whenever Israel was in awe of something she found herself compulsively feeling the opposite, even if it was cool. But of course he would never know that. He thought she was the really beautiful and attractive woman of style who had fallen prey to his irresistible genius wiles and would love him forever. _For a genius he sure is an idiot!_

"It's…beautiful," she commented, knowing that's what he wanted to hear. She should win the Space Arts Award for best actor, because she was quite adroit.

"Yes it is, now let's go meet the Captain." They agreed and headed toward their…destiny, the Montressor space-station luggage robot following loyally behind them.

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Lale: Please be nice and leave a review...(edited December 5, 2005). I love to hear what people think! (just don't flame me...those are plain irritating. If you don't like it tell me why without being unecessarily insulting)  



	2. Chapter 2

**Note to readers: **Please **_READ_** the **_FIRST CHAPTER AGAIN_** **_IF_** you have **_READ_** this story **_BEFORE_ 10-5-05**. I've done major changes—deleted scenes, added scenes, and change in personality for the characters. Thanks to all reviewers and for your patience concerning this chapter update. I couldn't format this the way I wanted it. But I think I'm finally starting to get into this.

What's on My Mind  


_Captain James Hawkins…that's his name right?_ It was hard for Trissa to take her eyes off of him. He had those beautiful bluish grey eyes that reflected a rebellious bad-boy she knew was camouflaged in the formality of his "honest Captain" getup. His charcoal clothing only added to his appealing darkness, and Trissa was thoroughly mesmerized by his strong angular features, his sexy hair cut that was definitely original, and the gold earring that somehow unexplainably made him that much more attractive. _Mmmm, looks like I'm going to be enjoying this trip after all. I could stare at this guy all day._

"And this is my girlfriend Trissa," came Israel's proud voice; the sound of her name shaking her violently from her abstract perception. She blinked a few times and realized that the Captain was now looking at her. A compulsory flirtatious smile came to her painted pink lips as she bowed her head slightly in acknowledgement of him.

"A pleasure to meet you Captain," she said politely, looking back into his eyes and seeing a small smile on his lips as he reciprocated her actions.

"Of course, welcome aboard my ship Ms…."

"Befuni," she continued extending her hand, and he loyally took it gingerly into his own. His palm was calloused from work, and the maiden could feel the heat of his lips as they hovered just above her knuckles. A blush quickly came to her cheeks. _He's so FINE! _Ludiwick loudly cleared his throat—obviously noticing the heat of the exchange, and Trissa blushed a brighter red from embarrassment. She mentally scolded herself for revealing her feelings so publicly that even _Ludiwick_—who was so lost in his own world he barely caught any underlying meanings—knew what was going on.

Hawkins immediately released her appendage with a light chuckle. "Don't worry Dr. Zenka, I'll put your mind at ease from now. I won't be attempting to steal your woman, so you have no need to worry."

_Wish you would…_ came Trissa's thoughts, as her attention turned to her 'boyfriend' to see what his reaction to the proclamation would be. Israel did not look one bit convinced—if anything he looked extremely angry.

When Israel was angry he did not yell or shout or demand fights as normal men would be expected to do when confronted with disturbing situations. Instead his bright sea blue-eyes turned to a haunting green, and his voice to a deadly calm that seemed more intimidating then any bellow of anger. The look had never been directed at Trissa because she was "perfect" to him. Seeing that very expression plastered on his face now she was glad she had never been on the receiving end of it.

Israel bowed, almost mockingly at Captain Hawkins as he replied, "I'm glad to hear that sir. But if you're done flirting, we have much business to attend to." A frown came to Jame's face at this statement and his eyes iced over to a dark grey. He had almost the same expression as Zenka plastered on his face—cold, distant and deadly. _They look so much alike...at this moment._

"Of course," James uttered in monotone, "Did you bring the map Doctor?"

"Yes," replied Israel taking out the folded piece of paper from the pocket of his large tan trench coat. _Come to think of it, they both sorta dress the same. Well as far as coats go anyway._ Jim's fingers calmly took the paper from Zenka's hand and stuffed it in his own pocket, not even bothering to look at it. "It's updated with all we know about the galaxy so far. The amount of planets, the compositions of each, suspected species that live there, etcetera…but they're only guesses from what the probes were able to pick up. Nothing is certain. Keep that in mind _Captain_, our lives will be in your hands."

"Well," said Jim abruptly, "now that you've finally arrived and made us wait for more than a year we can finally lift off. Don't try to make us even later with your trivial deluded warnings." He swiftly walked pass the three saying coldly, "I'll send my cabin girl Skippy to show you to your rooms." Zenka watched the retreating dark clad being walk away from him in a measure of shock, and respect. _So he's not as stupid as he seems…have to say, I'm slightly intrigued. But he's still a womanizing brute._

Trissa was staring after _James_ too, with a slight frown on her perfectly manicured eyebrows. _Great Israel, thanks. The guy will probably never talk to me again. Why do you have to be such an arrogant jerk! But, that was probably your intention from the beginning, wasn't it? You've too phiscin possessive._

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_What was that moment…he was so close…too close._ Miranda hugged herself, not liking the thought of what had happened just moments ago above on the deck. She wanted to talk to Sidney, needed to vent her fears to someone, but her best friend was too busy trifling with the first mate and thoroughly unnerving him to notice. That angered the dark skinned girl slightly, but she kept a passive countenance.

"Well…um…this here is the galley ladies," said Regal conscientiously, as Sidney practically leaped over him to get inside.

"Well, it's roomy enough," murmured the Roginen as her eyes combed the room, and then satisfied she yelled, "hey Maya, come check it out." Miranda meandered around the burly Kinopticon, briefly observing that he did indeed have a body of sculpted lead, and stepped inside to take in a sparsely lit cubicle—each wall laden with wooden counters and cupboards above and below the surface. In the middle of the chamber was a square table fastened to the floor with many draws for storage set at its sides. A small bulb in the center of the ceiling was their light source. Mira said nothing. It was fine for the purpose.

"Supplies are in the cupboards and utensils are in the draws of the table," explained Mr. Smede back to his rough and tough self now that Sidney was no longer giving him exclusive attention. "Tapping the bulb makes the light brighter so don't fret on the dimness. Your rooms are down the hall to your right. The ship should be launching in a half an hour, as soon as our financiers arrive. I'll be taking my leave now, but if there's anything special you need, I'll be around the ship somewhere."

"Thank you sir," said Miranda politely as Regal nodded and left.

"Bye Rege!" shrilled Sidney and Miranda lifted a questioning eyebrow.

"Rege?" Sidney smirked.

"Just seeing how long it will be till he stands up to me. Guy has no experience with flirting _whatsoever_. I decided to take it upon myself to teach him to have some backbone around women."

"By scaring him?"

"Whatever works."

"So….you don't really like him?"

"He's cute, but I'm just foolin around. He's not my prince charming if you know what I mean." Miranda shrugged off her knapsack that fell heavily to the floor and sat upon the center table. Sidney took off her own, it being really heavy, and looked back at her friend as she dropped it to the floor. The indigo eyed mistress's eyes had taken on a very distant and despondent look.

"Okay, what's the matter?"

"…"

"…Mira?"

"Not every prince is 'charming' Sidney," said Miranda softly, "if that were true you would be going on this adventure without me…I would have been married in Kayugra." A silence enveloped the two as the words floated around each other's minds. The room was tainted with the heaviness of remorseful memories, and Sidney couldn't stand the depressing atmosphere. _We've all had enough sadness in our lives…why do we need to dwell on it to keep ourselves unhappy? Be happy when you can Miranda._

"Well, I probably wouldn't be here on this ship _period_ because technically you're the one that dragged me here," said Sidney finally breaking the silence, "so if you married a prince, I sure as perp juice wouldn't be here having an adventure without you. You have nothing to worry about!" Miranda's eyes snapped towards her own irritably, and the green skinned alien tried her hardest to keep a straight face. "Speaking of perp juice," said Sid in fake speculation, "I wonder if they have some around?"

"Do you have to be so giddily stupid every breath you take in your life?" Sidney began busily shuffling through draws.

"Yep, especially when the mood gets this somber." _Ooooohhh…_, she thought excitedly, _a knife! That might be handy someday..._ She picked up the small sharp object and stuffed it into her pants waist.

"I really don't know how we became friends…"

"Yeah, me neither. I mean, unlike you I plan to get married," as she shuffled through other draws finding loads of forks and knives made of sturdy metal. _Whoa, high-class utensils right here._

"You know why…I find that an impossibility."

"Uh sure, but I think that's just an excuse," said Sidney as she opened a cupboard. "Woah, lots of wooden mugs to drink from! That confirms perp juice occupation!"

"Sidney! Are you even listening to me?" asked Mira hoping down from the center table and grabbing her amphibian like friend by the shoulder.

"My name's Lorel deary," said Sidney her eyes shining mischievously, " you don't want us to get caught do you?"

"Uugh," said the companion, throwing up her hands in the air in defeat, "you're impossible!" She stormed over to her haversack lying innocently on the floor and grabbed it moodily by the handle, deciding to drag the compartment on the floor instead of breaking her back once more supporting it. "I'm going to check out our rooms."

"Be right there _Maya_ dear. See,_ I_ didn't forget!" The bronze mistress ignored the comment, dragging the bag as it bumped and clattered against the walls and unnoticeable grooves in the floorboards. _Stupid Roginen making me carry this stupid bag. Sometimes I hate her._

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Jim stormed into his cabin, infuriated by the head scientist's presumptuousness. The guy thought he was more intelligent than everyone else just because of his title. Jim was no idiot. He took all advanced placement classes, and was top of his grade at the Academy. The educational training was a requirement extended to all captains so that in various situations they would be adept enough to handle the outcome. It was here that Jim met a beautiful equally ambitious woman who would later become his wife.

"That's right you schmuck," he murmured bitterly, "I'm already in love with somebody. What makes you think I want your stupid girlfriend? Do you really think you have the _best of everything_ in the world? You snobby rich bastard you….argh" He clenched and unclenched his fists trying to regain control of his temper. Whenever he was sure that he'd composed himself, he'd think back to the Israel Zenka's face and the burning feeling of anger in his chest would start all over again pumping adrenaline into his veins that made him buzz with the need to assault something.

He violently kicked a chair, channeling all his frustration into it. The sound seemed loud in the cabin with him alone in it, but that satisfied him. _Better that than his face. _

"I mean, she's not even truly pretty with her fake beauty," he kicked the wood again, "with all that makeup she drowns her face in, I wonder how she even breathes?" He kicked the chair anew with such force it flew to the wall, "And you except every man to want her just because she's yours?"

He pulled out the map from his pocket, trembling with the urge to crumble the paper to bits, but he knew it was necessary for the journey. "Well…you got one thing right. I am responsible for everyone's life, but do you have to phiscin rub it in my face?" Jim slammed the paper on his desk, "You know how many times I've heard that? I already know I'm phiscin responsible!" Nobody knew how painful and unfair the feeling of incompetence was, what it was like to fail with no opportunity of a second chance. To harbor so much guilt, every night when you close your eyes the very souls who you failed danced in front of your eyes screaming for an answer. So guilty, so burdened, so remorseful about your past that your dreams become, not a comforting escape, but a trip to a fireless hell. He picked up the chair, dragging it back to his desk lethargically, the original anger instantaneously melting away to sadness. He sat down heavily upon his chair, removing his gloves for the second time that day as he stared at the symbol that was given to him representing eternal love; the gold band placed on his left hand on his ring finger. His eyes were unable to move from the band for some time, his mind blank, nothing but the gold band in his mind and physical vision. After what seemed like hours he looked away and then back at the map on his desk. _Good a time as any to look at this map thing._

Jim idly lifted the folds of the thick white paper with the gold boarder. Upon unfolding the map the supposed planets of the Coral Galaxy swirled around him, but Jim wasn't _really _paying attention. _I'm sorry Catherine…I should have been there for you…_

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Lale: I don't like writing about...moments too intimate if you know what I mean, which is why this fic is not rated M, because it will never turn into that. But, if you feel the themes in this are a little too mature, please let me know and I'll up the rating immediately. (Edited 12-5-2005)  



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